Why me out of all people?
That’s what some ask themselves when someone chooses them, especially in love and relationships.
Don’t lie—the thought of being someone’s choice feels validating. This person sought you out despite having many options in a sea of people. Who wouldn’t like that?
Being chosen isn’t just a decision. It’s an affirmation of feelings and commitment. But sadly, this is unfamiliar to some. To get some semblance of this feeling, they settle in limbo. Let’s dive into this mindset. Is it healthy?
What’s It Like Being Chosen?
We all want to feel valued. Even the most attractive guy or woman in the universe wishes for more than just appreciation for their faces.
Whenever someone chooses us, we feel on top of the world. Despite the many fish in the sea, they went out of their way to find us. They saw us for who we were and went with it, even if it came with challenges.
That validation feels exhilarating, especially for people with extreme insecurities. They’ve always felt something was wrong with them because no one dared to look their way. They believe they’re low on the attraction scale or unfit for a relationship due to their lack or absence of experience. It’s as if they’re a plague.
As sad as it sounds, being the second fiddle has become their second nature. They’ve gotten so used to being overlooked in favor of others, to being in the shadows and watching the bright lights shine on everyone else.
When someone finally chooses them, it’s as if they also lifted a huge weight from their shoulders. For once, they’re a priority and not a fallback. They’re finally enough for somebody.
Neglect: The Other Side of the Coin
Sadly, many haven’t experienced being someone’s choice.
It’s not that they’re ugly ducklings. As much as they try their hardest, people pass them by as if they’re non-existent. If someone does notice them, they only do so when they need something from them. Afterward, they leave and forget. It’s as if they’re a convenience store, where people exit as fast as they enter.
And with that, they believe there’s no use talking to women or men anymore. Why bother making an effort if no one even gives a second look?
Others remain hopeful. But that hope comes with a lot of wondering. They want someone to love them without hesitation, not someone they need to convince to be with them. They just want to be enough for once.
Being a Choice vs. Being an Option
Many say love is a choice. In a Psychology Today piece, therapist and author John Kim writes that love is “an active decision we make, not just some magical thing that happens to us.”
And this take isn’t a reach. Loving somebody is deciding to take on a journey of commitment. It’s consciously staying with someone, even on the bad days, and working with them to have a stronger relationship.
This is what choosing someone entails—frequent self-reflection, ego dissolution, and overcoming patterns. And you need to do them every day.
Being an option is quite the opposite.
Think of options as a buffet spread. Some varieties are even outside your preferences. The thing with options, though, is that they’re fixed and limited.
In the context of love and relationships, being an option is one of the worst feelings we can experience. We’re not a “no,” but we’re not a “yes,” either. We’re a “maybe.” We’re in someone’s consideration, but ultimately, we’re not their choice.
When relegated to an option, some people fight it. They want to prove they’re worth a person’s time and attention. They give more and more of themselves, boundaries slipping with little chance of winning.
But being an option is a setup for disappointment and heartbreak. Not only do you get turned down, but you lose yourself along the way.
Don’t Settle for Being a Second Choice
Let’s say you may have done something people warned you against: continuing a romantic pursuit with someone unavailable.
So here you are, sitting on your couch, waiting anxiously for their name to light up your phone for an answer you know you’re not getting. You know their eyes and heart are for someone else. But at the same time, they’re giving you the attention you’ve craved for so long.
It’s a toxic cycle you can’t seem to get out of. You know you deserve more than being a backup plan, but you can’t resist being wanted in any capacity.
In this case, it’s a privilege to ask, “Why me out of all people,” because all that’s running through your mind is, “Why can’t it be me?”
Settling for being someone’s second choice is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself. It makes you question your worth until you can’t see it anymore and makes you a prime target for heartbreakers. They haven’t rejected you, but they’re not seeking you either. You’re in a limbo that’ll flush you down the drain.
If they can’t make you a choice, then make it for them. Choose yourself because you don’t deserve to rot on the back burner. Walking away will hurt, but it will help you in the long run.
You Deserve to Be Someone’s Choice
Relationships should be two-sided. It won’t work if only one person is all-in. Don’t put yourself in a position where someone else dictates your worth. Being with someone who makes you constantly second-guess yourself is just hell on earth.
There is someone out there who burns for you. Yes, even if you belong to the circle of unconventionally attractive men or women.
This person will gladly put you first, and that’s not just because you deserve it; they genuinely want your happiness.
We can’t force people to choose us. Part of maturing is realizing that such a demand is unrealistic. And when you finally meet the right person, you no longer have to ask yourself, “Why me out of all people?”
Reference:
“Love Isn't Just a Feeling, It's a Choice.” 2024. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202406/loving-someone-is-a-choice.