If you think about it, you might have that special person in your life that appeared at the worst time. They could be your high school sweetheart, college lover, work fling, or the random person in the coffee shop you made small talk to and formed a relationship with. And then you wonder what would’ve happened if you met them under different circumstances. That right there is your TOTGA or The One That Got Away.
A TOTGA is the kind of person you’d describe as “Right Person, Wrong Time” or “Right Person, Bad Circumstance.” The person you went through a relationship with, knowing your time with them would be limited. Being with them for you was comforting; almost feels too good. But because of circumstances, the relationship never ripened when it bore fruit.
And now you’re left to wonder “How do you get over someone who was meant for you?” Getting over a breakup with someone toxic would sound easy, but for someone you used to love genuinely? We know how painful that feels.
You Can’t Change the Past
If you’re wondering how to get over a breakup, for sure we’d tell you right away that changing what happened in the past won’t do you good. Why would we say that? Because even if you went back in time to change the course of the outcome of your relationship, you wouldn’t learn anything. Sounds painful, but it’s the truth.
How can you move on if you won’t accept what’s happening now? It’s a grim reminder for everyone that life is never fair to begin with. We are all dealt with good cards but in the worst circumstances. How you hold and play them are what matters.
They were the love of your life, sure. But nothing will change even if you tried to change your past. Why? Because you’d still make the same decisions; your mindset is still the same at that moment.
The 5 Questions to Ask Yourself
We know it would sound a little insulting if we told you to accept and move on immediately with your life. Because if you rush yourself to move on from your ex, you’d still be wondering to yourself “Why do I still think about my ex?”
Before you can start healing, you need to ask yourself some of these questions to help gain closure.
What Was She to You?
You need to know what she was to you, because if you think about it, what if your view of her was just shallow? Maybe you only wanted something out of her, like her love or money—or perhaps it’s just lust?
Some people think that their ex was their world. But their world was probably just lust; no intimacy, or actual growth.
Who Actually Got Away?
Before claiming that she got away (or you got away) from the relationship, you don’t want to tell other people that you got away with it without verifying. Analyze first who wanted what, and who had something.
Maybe you wanted to move to another state because a job opportunity is offering you a higher pay than your current job, but your girlfriend didn’t want to because she doesn’t want to move to an unfamiliar place. Or maybe she wants to have kids and get married, but you didn’t want to because you’re not “ready” yet. It all matters on the perspective of who got away from who.
Where Were You Mentally?
Everybody has gone through something while in a relationship. Don’t discredit yourself when the breakup happens. Your mind might have been focusing on something while you were in the relationship. This happens mostly to people with careers; they tend to focus more on earning money to have financial freedom, but at the cost of the relationship.
Some people were mentally distracted when they were in a pivotal time of their relationship. So of course, decisions weren’t easy; decision-making is already difficult, how much more for a distracted mental state?
How Do You Feel About Her?
If you want to know how you can move on from your ex, you need to know how you feel about her. Do you feel sorry for her? Are you angry at her for leaving? Are you devastated that you left her? What is it that you feel about your ex? Because how you think about her will affect your moving on process. If you have any ill thoughts against your ex, that means you’re letting your emotions and past get the best of you—you wouldn’t want any piece of emotion to drive you crazy.
Why Did It Come to This?
This is your culminating question. It answers all of your whys, what’s, and hows. Everything that has led to your situation. Piece every answer you have reflected on and then re-assess if it all makes sense.
If It Was Never Yours to Begin With, It Was Never Truly Yours
Now, how do you get over someone who got away from the relationship? It’s never a simple thing to answer—with all the whys and hows, you’ll always be left wishing for something that should’ve changed the outcome. But here’s the thing, if your partner was never meant for you in the beginning, then they were never meant for you in the end.
Your partner could’ve been your wife for life, or your forever man, but it never became true. So what can you do? Well, let it go. It’s water under the bridge. There’s no point in fighting back; the most logical thing you can do is reflect on what happened and focus on how you can push through the days.
While you’re at it, you might want to stop thinking, “Will my ex come back to me?” It’s time to prioritize yourself. When you self-reflect, be as neutral as possible and learn to take accountability. Moving on from TOTGA is one of the most difficult processes a person can go through.
What Do I Do Now?
After questioning yourself how to get over a breakup through self-reflection, don’t do anything irrational or out of emotion. It will only get worse if you let yourself go. Take all the time you need to recover—it doesn’t matter if it takes days, months, or even years.
If necessary, seek professional guidance, like a therapist or a counselor, for this matter. There’s no shame in seeking help. Your heart is broken and it needs to be fixed. While you’re recovering, go ahead and hang out with your friends and family, and take all the time you need.
Only you alone can reflect on your actions, but don’t be afraid to accept help from other people to move on from your ex.